Here's to My Hottie-Happy Birthday!!!

It's Brad's Birthday Today, and I'm SO Excited for him to be 29!!!! This is like the long awaited age before you're "old" in child terms :) Here are some pictures to look at through the years of my wonderful husband who is truly my BEST FRIEND in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD. I'm not going to try to attempt the same type of entry he gave to me on my birthday, but I will say that if you know Brad, you know how lucky I am, and I think that probably sums it up. He has the kindest most giving heart than anyone I have ever met in the entire world. Last year we spent almost his entire birthday pulling people out of a blizzard. This year, we'll be playing putt putt and go karts in 72 degree weather. But I think he'd prefer serving people if he had a choice. He truly is an example to all of us. Happy Birthday Bradley!

I'm Alive, Here's Proof

I survived. There was Thunder and Lightning and Hail and Wind and even Tornado Sirens. There was emergency broadcast warnings of Tornadoes and they were headed our way! We were in our Master Closet with the girls for a good 45 minutes or so until we decided this was really pretty pointless when we still had power. So we came out of our cave, and apparently the storm passed us. And we live to see another day. PHEW!!! I was all dissapointed that there wasn't a huge major storm and then I realized, WOW, that's pretty ungrateful, I'm SO GLAD that we're safe and we weren't HIT by a Tornado! Anyway, So here's a picture of me I took today, just to prove I'm still alive, all is well.

PEACE

Well, I first want to tell you thanks for all your comments everyone. Just to update you, I'm feeling much better. Very grateful to my Heavenly Father for the peace that he has blessed me with. This week was a crazy week. Very fun, my Mom came! She helped me clean and organize... okay, let me rephrase that... SHE cleaned and organized my entire house! I had to work much of the time, and she went through every closet and room in my house and organized them. She was so kind and helpful. We had such a great time!

On Thursday, Abbie had a Dentist Appointment. She didn't do well last time she had a filling so the Dentist Black-Listed her from having any work done without being knocked out by anesthesia. It cost $900 just to put her out! That poor girl, she had one tooth removed, three crowns, and quite a few fillings on top of that. She came home acting all drunk and she kept seeing double. It was hilarious, she was talking slurred like a drunk and kept closing one eye, and kept saying "there's two tv's." And then we'd ask her if there were two of our faces and she said yes and that I had four eyes! Brad was a saint and stayed with her at the dentist instead of me so I could work and stay sane, he said it was the hardest thing he's ever done. It was scary. Anyway, so my advice for the day? Brush and FLOSS your children's teeth, as soon as they have teeth, do it. I didn't think it was that big of a deal when they were young, and here we are about $2,000 later, and they have silver teeth and I'm broke. Its not fun. So take it from me, its worth it to do it now.

Abbie fell asleep today not long ago in the hallway. She did this yesterday as well. As soon as I say its time to clean up, she has this mini tantrum and then falls asleep. I think its quite convenient for her to get out of cleaning. Geesh, if only I could take a nap when its time for me to clean my house, that'd be nice.

Happy Birthday Love

This is Brad... First off, I want to thank all of you for the love and support that you give to our family. Angel and I have been so blessed in our lives to have so many dear and wonderful friends. As it is Angel's Birthday today, I thought that I would share a little bit of insight into the incredible woman that I have come to know, love and call my Best Friend.

There are not many single words in the English language that I could try to use to paint you a picture of how incredible dynamic and caring Angel is... In fact if a picture is worth a thousand words, then it would take me a thousand pictures to begin to paint her. Sometimes I catch her cuddled up on the couch just thinking about nothing, and she gives me her sheepish smile as her mind plants back on solid ground and my stomach flips as we laugh together about nothing.

My favorite thing in the world is to laugh with Angel. Nothing brings me more joy or peace than that. As a husband, she makes me feel so important and she always tries to validate me in my Crazy ideas... I am so lucky to have her.

As a person she is so giving... a while back she was leaving the mall and there was this lady pleading with everyone coming out of the doors to please give her a ride because her car was broken down and she had to get home to relieve her husband of the baby so he could go to work. Angel, despite all of her apprehension and possible judgements, kindly gave this lady a ride to her destination.

Another incredible thing about Angel is her capacity to be a friend... She dosen't care who you are, where you've been or where you are going. if you need a friend you can ALWAYS count on Angel.

Now Angel is not quite as strong as Starla from Napoleon Dynamite, I wont try to jade you there. But... Angel's inner strength is a force like a hurricane coming. She is the wind in my sails, and like the wind... she never expects an ounce back.

If it weren't for Angel, I'd probably be a homeless bum somewhere in Detroit... Why Detroit you ask?... I have no idea.

Angel... I'm not sure I am eloquent enough to express my true feelings for you...but if you could imagine that in the most literal sense that you make up over 90% of my heart without you I might as well be dead. I would have nothing to live for. I am more blessed than anyone I know, and its because of you.

I guess I haven't really accomplished the goal I set out to do, but I hope that I've at least stirred up some emotions of gratitude in your freinds hearts as they realize what a treasure they have in knowing you and being able to count you as a friend. I know it is my dearest treasure.

I love you with all my heart for ever and ever... And, I love you more plus one of anything that you say today!

Happy Birthday

-Bradley Dean-

Abbieism

I was holding Abbie the other day in the kitchen, just enjoying her cute little personality and I said to her, "How come you're growing so fast, I want you to be a baby again." And she said to me, "No, I wanna be a teenager!" I had to laugh because I remember how much I wanted to grow so fast and be older than I was, and now, I've finally reached the point where getting older isn't as fun anymore. HOWEVER, I do like to look at each birthday as a celebration that I was blessed to live one more year with my sweetheart, so from here on out, aging is a good thing, because every year is one extra year I get to spend with my sweetheart... and children. I'm very blessed.

My Journey Through Infertility

I remember like it was yesterday when I got married to Brad, I was young, innocent, naive, and completely... clueless. We went to go buy a house one day, the guy told us we couldn't because we had no credit. Like I knew what that meant. I just thought that you get married, you buy a house, you have a baby, he works, I stay home, raise babies, and some day we'll grow old and look back and say "Remember When." Marriage to me was the 'all solution' to every problem I had. It was the goal, not the beginning. It took me about a year and a half of complete cluelessness and bliss to realize that life had just begun... along with all our trials. I thought that since I had found the love of my life, everything else was "in the bag"... HA!

Some may look upon my life and think I've got it easy. But just like you, I have problems, I have trials, I have emotional breakdowns, and I have horrible life experiences I wish to never EVER experience again. We all have our fair share, some may have more than others, but its what we can handle, and I respect those with more than me as I know they are stronger than I.

Shortly after I had Abigail I couldn't shake the feeling that another child was waiting to come to our family. I always felt like our family was incomplete. We decided to start trying again pretty quickly since I knew it was to be. Four years later, I sit, in front of my computer, writing to you, hoping that I may touch someone, teach someone, or maybe just talk my feelings out. Who knows. 48 times we've tried. 48. 48 months of dissapointment, of failure, of hoping and being crushed.

If you haven't experienced this, maybe this will shed some light, if you have, you can understand: The first week starts with this incredible dissapointment, this feeling of failure, and complete loss of hope. Followed up by emotional roller coasters, physical pain (cramps, etc), and feeling like your broken. The next week and a half comes with hope and faith and a new desire to try again if you're lucky, sometimes its just a chore. I've only felt like its a chore about 3 months of the 48, so I'm good there. Then comes the week and a half of waiting and feeling those false pregnancy symptoms that get your hopes up and your faith built that for some reason or another, this month will be different than all the other months. And if your lucky, those pregnancy signs aren't there, your just late a few days to get your excitement really high. And then the vicious cycle starts all over again. And again... and again.

After about a year I started bargaining with the Lord. Saying, if I do this, then you'll give me a baby. Things like reading my scriptures every day, saying my prayers every day, etc etc, things I should be doing without any promises from the Lord. But you start with that, at least I did. Then you try the "I'm not trying" because everyone says when you stop trying is when you'll get pregnant. But that never works because when you want a baby, you never stop trying deep inside, your mind is always on it.

So after that doesn't work, you rotate between the anger, the yearning, the sadness, the denial, the hope, the failure.

After 3 years I looked back and said, well, I'm glad it didn't happen when I wanted it to because that would've been hard to have a baby then, but now is a great time to get pregnant, good things are ahead and we're READY, finally, we're READY. AND... the cycle starts (literally I guess :) ) And a year later from that I thought I finally came to grips with it all. Last night I prayed since I was 2 days late and said, "I hope that I am, but if I'm not, that's okay. I know you have a plan." I thought I really felt that way. Then this morning the disappointment came in all its glory around 9:00 and I just broke down! I thought I would be fine. Guess not.

So I called a good friend of mine who has experienced infertility for ten years before being blessed with her fourth. (3 kids born, then 10 years of infertility, now she's pregnant with her 5th). She reminded me of some things I've learned about other aspects of our life, but never thought to apply to this situation in particular.

Sometimes we are like a two year old. We want something so bad, we think it should be ours, we ask for it and don't get it. We ask nicely, we don't get it. We try to take it, but no luck. We beg for it, promise anything for it, and no luck. So we throw a tantrum, we kick and scream, and cry, and all we're doing is hurting ourselves. As the patient Lord watches us with a pitiful smile and knows what is best for us, he waits for us to calm down and submit, and say with a sigh, "Okay, you know whats best for me, I don't have to have it." Whether its just a matter of timing, or whether it is something that we shouldn't have that we think we should, our knowledge is that of a two year old compared to him. And we just need to submit.

The other thing she said, was that faith is sometimes misunderstood. Faith isn't just believing and hoping and thinking good thoughts about something until it comes to pass. Faith is believing and hoping but most of all, having our will coincide with the Lords. We can think and hope and believe all we want, but if the Lord has a different plan, his will overrides any thoughts we have. So if we want something to work, our will has to be inline with the Lords. And THAT'S when we can be happy and never fail, when what we want is what the Lord wants for us.

So, it could be another year, or maybe five, or maybe ten years before we have another baby. It could be that we only end up with two children. Only the Lord knows. It certainly is not a trial I wish on anyone to experience. Its hard to see friends and family get pregnant with the blink of an eye, or long time friends who've experienced just this finally get their moment. Its hard because I'm so happy for them. I truly and genuinely am happy for them. But its hard because I want to share in that joy, and experience it right along side of them. I wish so bad I could have that in common with them, that womanly bonding of calling on the phone and sharing symptoms and pregnancy pains and woes and stories. But I suppose its not meant to be, at least for now. And that's okay. Because the Lord has a plan, and I know the Lord doesn't find joy in my suffering. He's suffering right along side with me. He wants me to be happy, and somehow, in some way, unbeknownst to me, I'll have greater joy.

Our New Bedroom

So this is our Master Bedroom, I will start taking pictures as I finish each room I decided. Thanks to Ikea and Ross, we have an awesome new Bedroom that I LOVE and it cost about $200 with everything!